Scrambled Eggs
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: No appearances by Jury Rigg, sorry.


I claim no ownership of anything belonging to the Ben 10 franchise. Dacryphilia is a weird thing I do not understand, and am slightly creeped out by, I must admit.

"Today, we're going to make global warming undeniably real," claimed the nefarious Doctor Animo while wringing his gloved hands together, in a stereotypically villainous manner.

Besides him, was his goofy bi-pedal flying dinosaur buddy, which he had created somehow in a stereotypically wild mad science scheme, from devolving average chicken eggs into dinosaur eggs. We'll call him Screech.

"I could have picked any other creature, but I chose you, you wacky fellow! You should be honored," Doctor Animo said in a congratulatory manner to his creature. "Nothing will cause this daringly lunatic scheme of mine to backfire, or maybe kill me, due to making the planet unstable for any life other than giant pterodactyl people, who everyone will for some reason refer to as dragons. And we'll RULE THE WORLD together! Or until I die, whatever. I like yelling RULE THE WORLD!"

"Yo, Doc, it's totes chill in here. I am hella uncomfortable. Kindly turn up the thermostat," responded Screech. His thin, three-digited, green fingers danced along various buttons of the cell phone the doctor had given him.

"Hey, that's only for use in case of emergencies! Stop gaming and texting," Doctor Animo ordered. "And stop assimilating your average bratty white suburban teenager's obnoxious slang, while you're at it."

"But all of this new fangled technology you have introduced me to is so cool," Screech said back to him before the phone was wrenched from his grasp.

"Your reptile brain isn't big enough to handle it, so leave it alone," said Doctor Animo.

"We're like your first highly intelligent, or sort of, anyway, humanoid creations, Doctor. Don't treat us like we're stupid," Screech urged with as much of a frown as he could make on his beaky mouth. Which wasn't much, sadly. Luckily, he looked mostly angry all the time anyway, so it didn't matter.

"You are stupid," Doctor Animo retorted.

"But I can talk and use a phone," Screech said.

"The ability to speak, and use a phone, does not make one intelligent," responded Doctor Animo.

"Oh. Well, okay. Can I use your computer to look up dinosaur pornography?" asked Screech.

"No!" Doctor Animo shouted. "Stand there and look big and intimidating. Maybe go around and break some stuff. I'm going to steal a missile and shoot it at this weather balloon and make the global warming now, so don't disturb me any further. Unless it's important, like that little dickhole Ben Tennyson, and his friends coming to stop me."

Screech sighed. "Okay, then. If you say so." He spread his leathery wings and flew away.

After about seven minutes, he came back.

"Doctor," said Screech. "I'm not officially named in the story yet, so can you give me a name?"

"Sure. How about Giant Beak Face?" Doctor Animo responded.

Screech tilted his head to one side. "Meh, I don't like it that much."

"Hmm. What about Sauron?" Doctor Animo said before remembering that was copyrighted. "No, wait, that's taken already by a better character."

"Aw," Screech said, sounding disappointed.

"I know. How about Stupid Lazy Plot Device Developed Solely To Establish Ugly And Disappointing New Ben Alien?"

"No...that's not so good. That one makes me feel bad."

Doctor Animo shook his head. "How do you think I feel? All right, hang on. Let me think." Doctor Animo pondered long and hard. Then he couldn't stop thinking about dinosaur erotica, and got distracted. Then he got his mind back on track, and snapped his fingers. "What about Screech? It's fittingly comical, because it's what you do. Your voice is horrifying."

"Hmm...I don't know," Screech began.

"It's either Screech, or Procrastination Ridley. Pick one," Doctor Animo warned.

"Screech it is," Screech responded.

"Good. Now leave me be, your voice is like a thousand Mary Sue babies crying in unison," grunted Doctor Animo, before going back to his work.

"I'm still cold," Screech said. He rubbed his scaly arms for emphasis.

"Put on a sweater," Doctor Animo suggested. "Or you could wait for me to finish my damn work, and then you'll be fine."

"Doctor, I have a question," Screech began. "If you're such a brilliant scientist and geneticist...how come you didn't just create us to be warm-blooded reptiles?"

Doctor Animo stood up and slapped Screech in the face. "Because, shut up, that's why! Don't question me. I'm a genius!"

Screech wiped his reddened face and teared up a little. "Okay, I won't, you're a great scientist! Don't hurt me for pointing out stupid logic discrepancies! I won't do it anymore!"

"Make sure that you don't," growled Doctor Animo while he shook his fist for emphasis.

Suddenly, an inexplicable heavy blizzard fell, though the weather was at a tolerable 78 degrees only seconds prior.

"What the hell?" Doctor Animo gasped.

Screech's beak stuck up from beneath a pile of snow. "Help...It's cold, and I don't have a sweater!"

"An ice age? I WANTED GLOBAL WARMING! WHERE IS THE GLOBAL WARMING?" Doctor Animo fumed while waving his arms wildly. "GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL!"

"Goodbye...Doctor...I have...always...loved you," Screech attempted to speak weakly. "Even though I was born only today, and most of my time spent with you was firmly establishing you as an uncaring shithead."

Doctor Animo fell to his knees and tried to dig out his creation. He got only as far as Screech's head before getting tired and giving up. "Ow, I should work my arm muscles more. I look this buff, but it's only for show. Damn, I am weak. But I am so very handsome." He pulled out a mirror from his back pocket and began to admire his youthful visage. Screech's dry coughing caused him to divert his attention.

"Doctor. One...more...thing," Screech mumbled, barely able to whisper.

Doctor Animo lowered his head to meet Screech's beak. "Yes, what is it?"

"I...I...I," he stammered.

"Yes, yes?" Doctor Animo questioned with anticipation.

"I saw you kick that chicken," Screech wheezed with his last breath before dying.

Doctor Animo's lips pulled into a tight frown. "Well, this plan was a colossal failure."

Ben Tennyson and Gwen Tennyson and Kevin Levin burst into the barn, ready to brawl. "We've come to stop your ridiculous plan, Doctor Animo!" Ben announced dramatically.

They found Doctor Animo jerking off to dinosaur pornography. "Um, could you come back in about ten minutes or so? I'm a little busy here right now."

They beat him with chairs so they wouldn't have to touch him.

The police, or maybe just the single dopey sheriff, came shortly after, to haul Doctor Animo to a waiting jail cell. And then cornhole him while nobody was looking. Because stereotypical rednecks. Also, the re-evolving machine had not been built. And even if it had, who's to say repetitive anal violation isn't on the mind of your average genius at any given time? Not I.

(The end.)


End file.
